It’s silly, isn’t it? For all the big dreaming I do, I sometimes lose sight of the ground; of the real things that actually give me permission to dream big, work hard and achieve beyond even my own expectations. There is, apparently, a certain system of work=money=opportunity that I have not yet figured out.
It’s a funny thing, unemployment. Those who know me best understand that my existence walks the line between reality and delusion. I’ve grown accustomed to this balance as it allows me to dream bigger than reality suggests, but it also allows me to remain (somewhat) firmly grounded in the world of actual possibilities. However, I find lately that my delusions are preventing me from tackling the big life problems that are staring me dead in the face. As they do so, I grin knowingly, confident in the fact that at any moment some grand delusion will eventually become reality defeating the problem at hand. This, I have discovered, is not always the best course of action.
At this moment, I think to myself: Yes, I should stop writing this blog. Yes, I should spend more time on the important things, like finding a job that will, at the very least, pay for my living expenses. Yes, I should be proactive about my life, especially in procuring the basic requirements for living. Yes, I should probably pay my Rogers cellphone bill (However, I’m becoming great friends with their collectors’ agents).
Yet, what prevents me from listening to these very rational thoughts is my attachment to my deluded world of “what if?” What if I booked any of the big pilot auditions that I did last week? What if that email I sent to apply for an Administrative Assistant at a PR firm gets read and responded to? What if David Mirvish calls me up and says “Caleb, here’s two million dollars… DIRECT A PLAY!” What if… What if… What if…???
It’s silly, isn’t it? For all the big dreaming I do, I sometimes lose sight of the ground; of the real things that actually give me permission to dream big, work hard and achieve beyond even my own expectations. There is, apparently, a certain system of work=money=opportunity that I have not yet figured out. But, I suppose I will. I must.
To further complicate the scenario, I have (since CLOSER) surrounded myself with enough work to exceed the hours of a regular full-time job. I have concocted a lovely little plan for the direction I want to take Mnemonic Theatre Productions in the next 8-12 months. That plan consists of a minimum of 5 big events (a combination of fundraisers and productions).
However, it has become very easy for me to feel satisfied and content with the amount of work that I do on any given day, based on the fact that I am, in fact, working countless hours in preparation for these projects: To drag my grand delusions across the line into the world of reality.
So you see my dilemma? I’m sure there is an answer to be found. The closest thing I’ve got to an answer right now is to find a way to get paid for the work I am already doing. This is, of course, an answer from the world of delusion. But, what a beautiful delusion it is.