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My Morbid Mantra

If I assume my life will be short, then I will fill it to the brim with everything I can offer: my talents, my passion, my drive. If I live a longer life, then there is no reason why this mentality shouldn’t play out for the entirety of my numbered days.

It takes time to be able to look back in retrospect. I feel like what I did (with Closer) was a huge accomplishment. I feel like I exceeded my own limitations in a way that have now set a new precedent for myself. I know better now what I am capable of and what I can strive to achieve. With my next project, I can not only aim to achieve these new found heights, but set about trying to exceed even those.

That is, in my opinion what life is all about. I see it like this. I don’t actually expect to live longer than 30 years. Don’t ask me why. I simply don’t. Not because I burn the candle at both ends. Not because I do too many hallucinogenic drugs, but I’ve simply accepted this irrational thought that, perhaps, I won’t live past age 30. This thinking has caused me to believe that I need to fit all I can in the next six years of my life in order to make up for the potential reality of my early death. If I were to die at 30, I would like to know that I lived a full life, and that with the few years I had, I was able to climb the ladder of my own personal success, break personal limits and surprize myself with the magnitude of my potential.

In all reality, I will likely live past 30. I will likely live past 40. In fact, there is great potential for me to live as old as any other human being expects to live. Live till the day I die, so to speak.

So, here’s my logic: If I am to live my life now like I will likely die at age 30, then I will have done everything I think I need to do in order to ensure that I can be content with the memory of me that I am leaving behind at this unfortunately early age. However, if I do live longer than that, then I have already established my memory and in doing so, I can continue to build on the memory that I will leave behind and will have all the time between age 30 till the day I die to do so.

Now, all of this is very morbid. I don’t actually think any of this, but I do believe that this is a cool and perhaps useful self-delusion. If I assume my life will be short, then I will fill it to the brim with everything I can offer: my talents, my passion, my drive. If I live a longer life, then there is no reason why this mentality shouldn’t play out for the entirety of my numbered days. If this is the case, then I will have lived a full life, giving of myself in a way that will leave a lasting memory of me that will linger on this earth well after my bones have turned to dust.

I believe that all we have for certain is right now and all the potential that ‘right now’ has to offer. We can choose to take from this ‘right now’ or we can give to it and add to its potential. I believe that giving is the best way to be remembered. Giving of ourselves solidifies a memory in all the individuals whose lives we touch.

My mantra is this: to give all of myself, to touch as many lives as possible and to create the longest lasting memory of Caleb McMullen, as the man who gave and asked for nothing in return, but to be remembered.


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Caleb McMullen

Written by Caleb McMullen

Founder and Editor-in-Chief of TheatreisforSuckers.com

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