While the shadow of fear is a sneaky little bastard and while it approaches like a thief in the night, it is nonetheless, a part of the human experience. And we have the rare gift (if we choose to embrace it) to experience our humanity for all it has to offer.
Fear makes me do stupid things.
I worry a lot lately. I worry about my schedule and meeting the insane deadlines that I’ve set for myself. I worry that perhaps I am doing too much, too soon with Mnemonic Theatre. I worry that I am not doing enough. I set plans for myself with the foreknowledge that these goals are seemingly impossible to complete. My biggest worry is that because I have become so involved in my little self created world of independent theatre, that I have lost sight of the necessities that life demands: money primarily.
While I have never had a strong relationship with money, never having had much of it to call my own, I have always been quite equipped to gain money when needed. I got my first job at fifteen. I worked at a bakery in a grocery store. I wrote “Happy Birthday” on cakes. Then I worked at Le Chateau for several years selling shittily made clothing. However, now that I’ve tasted the life that I so desperately want to live, I find myself less and less equipped to find the jobs that I know will, in the very least, provide me with a source of income to pay the bills, to buy food, to meet the realistic necessities of survival.
So while I’ve been dwelling in my perpetual state of unemployment, I have been filling my days to the gills with work that remains unpaid, but extremely satisfying. I have been hard at work directing and scheduling the filmed scene study workshop. And I feel successful in this. I am in the preliminary stages of producing the DRAG SHOW FUNDRAISER which will happen on May 19th. And so far, I feel successful in this. So why is it that, despite my artistic success, I feel like such an utter failure?
While I have never had much money to speak of, I do believe that I hold it in rather high regard and in turn rate my own success by my abilities to achieve financial stability and prosperity. This has not been the case as of late and I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life due to my fiscal unrest.
How silly I am sometimes; how lost I’ve become while dwelling on these current affairs. And most importantly, how foolish for me to allow my relationship with money to affect all other areas of my existence.
I am currently in the process of developing a very meaningful and satisfying relationship with a beautiful, supportive man. Today, I looked at him not with the lens of exciting, undiscovered potential, but through the lens of fear. I questioned what I had to offer him when my bank account is in the red, when even the creditors are taking pity on me. It put a damper on our sweet, impromptu lunch date.
I realized in this moment that I had started to let my fear of financial devastation encroach upon my otherwise happy new relationship. Fear is sneaky like that when it isn’t put in its place, when it isn’t faced head on and dealt with like the enemy that it is. We all have fear in some way, shape or form and that fear can steal away the joy that life consistently has to offer.
Reminder: Life is beautiful.
While the shadow of fear is a sneaky little bastard and while it approaches like a thief in the night, it is nonetheless, a part of the human experience. And we have the rare gift (if we choose to embrace it) to experience our humanity for all it has to offer: the good with the bad. It takes courage to embrace the pain, the fear, the struggle that life presents. And sometimes we fail. Sometimes I fail. And in doing so, I experience something new. When we fall to fear, we have no where else to look but up, to stand slowly and continue on. Tomorrow is, in fact, another day.
Now, with all this being said, I think I am going to kiss my man friend, look in his eyes and really see him. I am going to look at him with the joy of newness and success that our relationship has experienced.